I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most