latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
i hate you platonically
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁