When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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#titanic
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
A woman drives into a bar.