lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
everyone has that one prude friend
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata