love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
screw you
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
It costs zero dollars to steal things
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.