ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
peak technology
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.