Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.