It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Very good! 👍😂
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
🤣🤣🤣
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.