Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.