Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Twitter remains undefeated
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.