Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Twitter is an abusement park.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
necessity is the mother of invention
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.