Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
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ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
secret recipe
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
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Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.