[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I thought this was funny lol
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.