me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure Iβm done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Iβm happy my date didnβt snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said βHoliday pillows donβt count because theyβre temporary.β
I donβt think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
yeah iβd have thought so, heβs a cat
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
βChildren are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.β
– John F. Kennedy
Things Iβve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo booβs.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs heβs taking.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
Β£13k, Slough
I hate when people talk down to me like I donβt already know Iβm an idiot.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I pretend I have a βtax guyβ because Iβm a very busy businessman and not because Iβm an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
To someone this means βA new startβ. To everyone else, it doesnβt.