Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.