Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl