my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
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I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Love is in the air fryer.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time