My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?