Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You Might Also Like
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Tier 3 meme
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me sliding into hell like
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.