My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I鈥檒l call the broker tomorrow.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn鈥檛 want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date鈥檚 and his dad鈥檚 car keys in it
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it鈥檚 not because they love you
They鈥檝e seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it鈥檚 called a popsicle
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My son: I need a nap, I鈥檓 so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn鈥檛 sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn鈥檛 sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
roses are red
violets are blue
I don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e ready
for this spaghetti