not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I donβt know what kind of trip I think Iβm gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*pokes sex life with a stick
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Why is it called an exorcistβs holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend weβve never met who has a disease weβve never heard of
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year oldβs toys because he hadnβt touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldnβt live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, heβs inherited my break up angst.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!β
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If you leave me a voicemail that just says βcall me back, I have a questionβ I am coming to burn your house down.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos