ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter