One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
this is how life feels
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”