One of my husband鈥檚 friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 馃槀馃槆
![]()
You Might Also Like
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don鈥檛 want you to fall in love with me.
Don鈥檛 ask me if I鈥檓 participating in no nut November, call me when it鈥檚 time for Donut December
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
professor x: what鈥檚 your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Life with a cat in one tweet
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Damn he played himself
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
![]()
Lady t-rex: I鈥檓 tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 馃槕
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don鈥檛 mention it.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?