[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.