please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
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I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day