Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The Others (2001)
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested