Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I鈥檓 feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
me: i鈥檓 sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that鈥檚 beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he鈥檚 seen the remote
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
When you鈥檙e a tall person in a hotel shower
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He鈥檚 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!