Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.