Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If you’re going to pull the rug out from under me, first you’re gonna have to buy a rug.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.