Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?