*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with đź‘Ť*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I need to get some bricks…
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.