HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
North and South
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.