Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
From my Mom
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
#oldknees
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of