Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
True?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You learn something every day
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
New tinder profile pic
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control