Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
man: wait
time: no
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.