Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Cop: *kicks door open* it鈥檚 time to take out the trash
Cop鈥檚 wife: stop kicking the door
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that鈥檚 an interesting thought, here鈥檚 six billion more.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here鈥檚 a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
8yo: The internet is down. I鈥檓 going to go play at my friend鈥檚 house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
馃ぃdope
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we鈥檝e been re-living the same day for the past year
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.