My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me