Stop it! 😂
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
What kind of a cult is this?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?