Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Buying a well is money well spent.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Them: “oh you DO NOT want to hear about the day I had”
Me: “you’re right, go with your gut feeling”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Once I find a dragon y’all are toast.
British people
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.