The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding