The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Borderline personality disorder? No. I’ll take my personality disorder fully committed thanks.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me when I try to be useful
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.