The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine鈥uess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his馃槑
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Whenever I鈥檓 ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My hot friend: I鈥檝e been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I鈥檇 say it鈥檚 a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I鈥檝e not had sex in 6 months
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
girl im dating buying shampoo: I鈥檒l get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver鈥檚 seat headrest. If you don鈥檛 use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that鈥檚 just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who鈥檚 going to come into an Arby鈥檚 bathroom this close to the highway
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn鈥檛 gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.