You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
The Punning Dead.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”