Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.