There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
hey, alexa
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I just ran a .003048K
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.