TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…