I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.