*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Really successful people don鈥檛 sleep much. I don鈥檛 know why I don鈥檛 sleep much.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
I don鈥檛 know why people say Twitter isn鈥檛 a dating app. I鈥檝e encountered plenty of available married men here.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Airports shops be like, sure you鈥檝e got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I鈥檓 actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
鉂わ笍馃
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.馃槀
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
lol
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Pizza is an emotion right?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Cop: You鈥檙e driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I鈥檓 English.
Cop: (shouting) It鈥檚 the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.