I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Cheers Twitter.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over